Where is this anger coming from?

Who knows! You may not know where it is coming from – but you know when it’s being directed at you!  Things at home have been going well all day. But your anxiety increases when your teen comes home from school -you are back to walking on eggshells. What did you do? Let me help you reframe it or see it from a different angle.

Parent            How was school today? ( maybe, next time try an open ended question- that is not easily dismissed.)

Teen               Fine – (an unproductive statement… has no meaning) 

Parent            Did you get your paper back today?

Teen               I hate school! I hate everything!     F *$^  off !!!!

BLAM!!!!!!!!! The door slams and they are in their room. They return to their technology… not to be seen again til the next day. Maybe you knock on their door – no answer and get no answer or just a few grunts. Maybe more conflict erupts?

Yep – they retreated to social media and rejoined their online community. They have effectively checked out from the family and checked in to their on-line world…

Today – the academic environment provides teens with greater access to a wide variety of peers while AT school – yet folks tend to live farther apart.  So in some ways – it makes sense that they gravitate to an online community. (Future blog on this topic to come.)

Lets get back to their anger……

SO – what is anger? What is anger in teens? What is anger in adults? The root emotions of anger are the same for all people…..

Anger is a secondary emotion.  This means that anger is a combination of emotions or the result of unresolved events. The primary emotions that underlie anger are HURT, SADNESS and FEAR.

So when anger is shown– remember that there are other emotions at work under the surface. Anger is a great way of putting up a wall or smoke screen so that the angry person is protected. This serves to deflect others from approaching.

Teen: (‘I can make myself big and scary so that others won’t approach.’)

This insulates them from feeling their own emotions; and makes it easier to push their unwanted and uncomfortable emotions onto YOU– potentially making it appear that the anger or situation YOUR fault.

Teen: (‘My behavior just might make YOU scared of me and afraid to interact with me. I can make you think YOU created my problem. That way you will leave me alone. I am afraid. I am sad. I am hurt. ’)

This diversion allows the teen permission to not be VULNERABLE and to avoid sharing with you the root causes of their anger. This allows the angry person to AVOID feeling the primary emotions of HURT, SADNESS or FEAR.

Think about the last time you shared your anger with someone else… how did you manage it? No one really plans to be angry…. Did you take the appropriate amount of time to plan what and how you wanted to express yourself? Did you blurt out your thoughts? Did you just ignore it and keep moving? There are many variables that contribute to each situation.

While teens are resilient – they are likely not well practiced in regulating their emotions. This is not uncommon for adolescents, as there is so much going on in their worlds. There are peer relationships to navigate, figuring out their own identity, academic pressures and deadlines, home life obligations, sports, and ….. social media to keep up with. We need to GENTLY assist them by helping them understand or at least to acknowledge their emotions. This allows them take a step back from their ANGER – and explore the root causes. This is the first step in resolving the anger!

So if you are dealing with an angry teenager – try to slow things down for yourself. Take a moment or two to figure out how you can most effectively approach the situation. Would it be best to give your child some space? Could you put out an invitation to your teen – ‘when you feel like talking it about it – I am ready to listen.’ Once the anger has subsided – it is always appropriate to share what you know about anger as a secondary emotion – and maybe ask your child if they were/are feeling hurt, sad or scared? This last suggestion – can often change the tone of a conversation.

Don’t forget - everyone of us gets angry! It’s normal. Anger management takes time and practice. If you or your teen is struggling with this – don’t worry too much! It can get better with improved communication. The most important thing you can take away from this post is to remember – the presentation of the anger is on the surface – while the causes of the anger lie beneath!